ANOTHER WOUND

Wanna posted  2012 year in review but realize nothing much biggest moment from this past year 
besides meeting U papabear...

2012 .. I fall .. I Raise.. fall again , I do make mistake I lived tru it for the rest of my life.. 
there's no regret , there's nothing to early 
always believe everything happen for a reason.. 
if meeting u is another way to have another breaking heart and lived through it ..so be it ...

I just don't get it why this happen again.. supposed to be I skip my karma long time ago. I never hurt everyone but why I always end up to be the one who got hurt.

I've learned to put myself back together in this past 3 years .. should I take another 3 years to wash away this pain.. Yes I'm pain now .. its no longer like an elephant sit on my chest but hundreds elephants step on my heart...

 posted this thing only gonna makes me change again to stupidest girl on earth .. but it's a wake up call

I just said everything happen for a reason .. and the Qoutes I just got from my beloved , dearest friend /soulmate/or whatever I named u ...

 " he won his price " 

just like see a light in the end of a tunnel ...

now its getting harder ,,

Relationship are harder now because 
conversations become texting
arguments became phone calls
feeling became status updates 

and missing becomes unanswered calls ,,,

IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS 

 

Love should come first

“There is a desire within each of us,
in the deep center of ourselves
that we call our heart.
We were born with it,
it is never completely satisfied,
and it never dies.
We are often unaware of it,
but it is always awake.

It is the Human desire for Love.
Every person in this Earth yearns to love,
to be loved, to know love.
Our true identity, our reason for being
is to be found in this desire.

Love is the "why" of life,
why we are functioning at all.
I am convinced
it is the fundamental energy
of the human spirit.
the fuel on which we run,
the wellspring of our vitality.

And grace,
which is the flowing,
creative activity, of love itself,
is what makes all goodness possible.

Love should come first,
it should be the beginning of,
and the reason for everything.”
― Gerald G. May, Living in Love

CAN I HOLD THIS AS UR PROMISE

*another capturemoment ..  

mark_collins5710: babe
mark_collins5710: am here
dee: hi
dee: have u finish everything
mark_collins5710: am here
mark_collins5710: i will read later
mark_collins5710: what is wrong babe?
dee: that what should I asked you.. whats wrong?
dee: I need you to be honest with me
mark_collins5710: what did i do babe?
dee: who am I to u baby?
mark_collins5710: huh?
mark_collins5710: my sayang of course
dee: thats a simple question
dee: do u really care bout me that much
dee: I dont have any intention to be dramatic
dee: but I just need to ask u somethings
mark_collins5710: babe am sorry
mark_collins5710: i have been busy with exam lately
mark_collins5710: am sorry if i hurt you
dee: is not that ,,I can understand about that
dee: its sumthing else
mark_collins5710: what?
dee: can u read this so u will understand how I felt about u
dee: http://ndutzstillsurvive.blogspot.com/2012/12/spaces-between-ur-fingers.html
dee: after u finish u buzz me
mark_collins5710: what's that?
mark_collins5710: tell me first
dee: its what I wrote about my feeling for u
mark_collins5710: wooooow touching
mark_collins5710: babe
mark_collins5710: i miss u too
mark_collins5710: but i was just busy lately
mark_collins5710: am sorry
dee: I know u r busy I dont mind with that
dee: after u back from ur journey from ur brother place
dee: I know sumthing is wrong
dee: u know how I fell about u ,, what makes me cry is this A promise u made, ur promise I hold..- Mark Collins..
dee: is this ring a bell to u
dee: I read it on sum1 page
dee: tell me what should I felt or thought about it?
mark_collins5710: that's the girl i met after we lost contact
mark_collins5710: so she has been there for me
mark_collins5710: through hard times
mark_collins5710: yes i know i have to tell this
mark_collins5710: but not so early now
dee: can not
dee: u have to tell me
dee: I dont want be the last one know about this
dee: while I'm hoping too much
mark_collins5710: am sorry about that,but we both have our past,
mark_collins5710: she has been so nice to me
dee: we both have our past
mark_collins5710: and we don't have any problem
dee: but not present
dee: how come I expect to be ur tommorow while I know ur not expecting me to be
mark_collins5710: we need time to make this work
mark_collins5710: am not saying anything bad
mark_collins5710: and i can't lie to u
mark_collins5710: i expect u to understand,
mark_collins5710: am sorry for not telling u earlier,i thought it's not the right time
dee: I know ,, thats why I told u I dont wana be so dramatic..but I'm lost dont know where should I stand.. if I dont on ur future ,, dont be so nice to me
mark_collins5710: i didn't say u r not in my future
mark_collins5710: all am saying is we just need time to make this work,and together with understanding
mark_collins5710: we will make it
mark_collins5710: but i can't lie about her
mark_collins5710: yes she exist
mark_collins5710: but i need time to handle all this
dee: until what ?
dee: I dont want to be an option
dee: when its comes for u to decide .. I'll fall to deep
dee: even now I've been on that situation
mark_collins5710: babe
mark_collins5710: listen to me
mark_collins5710: i know how you feel
mark_collins5710: but lying is not good
mark_collins5710: i don't lie
mark_collins5710: to those i love
mark_collins5710: just understand that i love u
mark_collins5710: but concerning her,i need you know it's just a matter of time
mark_collins5710: and u need to understand me
mark_collins5710: i met her when we lost contact
mark_collins5710: and she has not done me any wrong
mark_collins5710: just that i found again
mark_collins5710: so we need a little time to adjust this
mark_collins5710: ok
dee: i want to be selfish I want you just for me.. now I just feel like I dont fullfill ur expectation
dee: if u need a time I"ll give u time ..I'll give u a space .. u just can not be that selfish .. to have us both..even one of us must hurt ,.. so be it .. but at least we know from the start... not after we drown so deep
dee: I know u are the man who keep ur promises .. u have made ur promise to her... so what else I can expect babe
dee:
mark_collins5710: hmmmm..can you give me time to handle this okay?
dee: okay
mark_collins5710: and promise me u will understand and give me time please
dee: I never want to push u babe
mark_collins5710: am not saying we will not be together anymore,all i ask of u is understanding
dee: what should I do.. should I start life my life without u
dee: this is dilematic
mark_collins5710: i didn't say that
dee: then what
dee: i didnt heard anything from u in a day
dee: i got so worried
mark_collins5710: nope that one is school babe
mark_collins5710: i have been busy with exam
dee: u busy with ur tv and ur games.. and dont have time for me I got upset
mark_collins5710: beside she is not here in Malaysia
mark_collins5710: she is in singapore
dee:
mark_collins5710: so need to think that way
dee:
mark_collins5710: am sorry just exam
mark_collins5710: i never neglect u
dee: i know
dee: u always spent time for call me
dee: sorry I've been like this.. but I just cant stand
mark_collins5710: it's okay sayang
mark_collins5710: i understand
mark_collins5710: just know i have always love u,and i will continue to love u
dee: I love u too
dee: just whatever happen dont hide anything for me
dee: just be honest with even it hurts me
mark_collins5710: yes i know
mark_collins5710: i don't lie
mark_collins5710: to those i love
dee: i know u dont lie.. ur just not telling
dee: \
mark_collins5710: nmmmm am sorry about that
mark_collins5710: smile la
mark_collins5710: don't keep ur face like that
dee: to whow i should smile?
mark_collins5710: me la
dee: i cant see u
dee: all I see is a shadow
mark_collins5710: really?
mark_collins5710: am in the living room
mark_collins5710: u r hanging too
mark_collins5710: i can't see clearly
dee: great then
dee: u cant se my swolen eyes
mark_collins5710: OMG
mark_collins5710: please babe
mark_collins5710: stop crying
mark_collins5710: i never meant to hurt u
mark_collins5710: it's just the exam
dee: i dont want to cry
dee: the tears running it self
dee: Ive told to stop can not
mark_collins5710: please la
mark_collins5710: stop crying
dee: if I can stop .. i stop
mark_collins5710: hmmmmm
mark_collins5710:
dee: im better now at least I relieve .. talk bout this
mark_collins5710: good
mark_collins5710: am sorry sayang
dee: dont call me sayang I'm mad at u
dee: NOW
mark_collins5710: hahahahahaha
mark_collins5710: lol
mark_collins5710: please don't
dee: so I should be happy
mark_collins5710: sorry
mark_collins5710: have u eaten?
dee: not in the mood
mark_collins5710: please eat sayang
dee: I'll eat
mark_collins5710: okay babe
mark_collins5710: please eat
dee: tommorow
mark_collins5710: huh?
dee: besok
mark_collins5710: besok?
dee: tomrw
mark_collins5710: nope babe
mark_collins5710: eat today
mark_collins5710: NOW
dee: rite now I just not need no food
mark_collins5710: but u have to eat
dee: go read u still exam tmrw
dee: not playing games
mark_collins5710: yeah i do
dee: pinokio
mark_collins5710: lol
mark_collins5710: need to relax my brain
dee: hmmm
dee: so am I
mark_collins5710: just had a fight with my sayang
dee: another pinokio lines
mark_collins5710: hhahahahahahaha
dee: I know u've been playing since we've chat
mark_collins5710: if not in will write babe babe babe in my exam sheet
dee: don't try to make me smile
dee: i'm still mad at u
mark_collins5710: please babe
mark_collins5710: am trying to be romantic here
dee: ur not romantic person
mark_collins5710: hhahahah seriously??
dee: damn serious
mark_collins5710: i thought i was...
mark_collins5710: OMG
mark_collins5710: so i need to learn it then
dee: no gerald  u r not
dee: but coffee and the water does
dee: thats romantic
mark_collins5710: lol
mark_collins5710: what else do u need for me to be
mark_collins5710: ????
dee: I need you to need me
dee: I want u call me not just because its an obligation
dee: but simply just becos u miss me
mark_collins5710: OKAY
mark_collins5710: OKAY
mark_collins5710: OKAY
mark_collins5710: i will
mark_collins5710: i will try to be my best
mark_collins5710: cos i don't want to be unromantic
dee: somehow all of my doubt suddenly goes away
mark_collins5710: okay sayang
mark_collins5710: opps u said i shouldn't call u that
mark_collins5710: but it's always in my mouth
dee: I don't need in ur mouth .. I need that in you heart
dee: your heart
mark_collins5710: but if i don't have it in my heart,i can't say it
dee: truth?
mark_collins5710: yes truth
dee: cross ur heart
mark_collins5710: yes cross on my heart
dee: so no one cant enter besides me..
mark_collins5710:
mark_collins5710: yes
mark_collins5710: babe

wrong lines

Rather than "I want us to meet again "
I better choose " I want u to be on my side later "

for me there's a big difference between those two lines ..
the second line sound more promising .. *(even I know ur not promise me anything ) even I hope for it.
and I know u made your promise already and some else expecting you to keep it real.
should I give up and let u go now.. things are getting out of hand now and I expecting too much from U ? tell me what should I do..!!!

SPACES BETWEEN UR FINGERS

When I first met you, I honestly didn't know you were gonna be this important to me.. they said if sum1 gives you butterflies don't let him go .. that's what I felt first time I saw u .. first time I scent you .. 
You hug me and kiss me in the cheek and I can smell your perfume .. U got me from head to toe from the first hug u gave me.. I can feel how I fit in ur arms. 

U really brighten my days when I'm with you.. 
People said The best relationship is when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are .. 
that's exactly what I do when I'm with you.. Just be myself

I don't depend on people anymore because I'm tired of being disappointed.. but with you I want to give it  all to you ,,
I want to be vulnerable ..  
I want you to be the one I see when I wake up .. and when I sleep . 
I want to depend on you .. 
I want you to be my arms .. my feet .. 

I never been selfish for my entire life .. but this time I want to be selfish .. all I want is you .. no one else .. 
JUST YOU

now I'm trying to keep my heart for not missing U .. once again DISTANCE kill me 

when we apart ..you took a part of me

everyday you asked me >>" am I okay ?? " 

if I answer you .. I'm okay .. its my biggest lie .. 

I  MISS HOW HAPPY  I WAS WITH YOU ... 

how I wish ...

The spaces between your fingers are meant to be filled with mine

IN DOUBT

Should be all the moment just happen ring a bell to me ..  I never gonna be his tomorrow ...A wake up call...
all the hopes , the dreams and the wish vanish by a phone rings and a DELETED Picture .. and a MIDNITE VISIT

it's normal thing when u sharing moment with your special ones and want to capture all the moment and share it to the world. show them how happy and how proud you are.but what the hell happen is
   I got DELETED 

#therighttimetosayDAMN

not even how gentlemen he could be or how he confess that u r his future wife , it wont give u a chance to be his tomorrow .

I really shed a tear because once again I made a terrible mistake and it feel not good at all . *it feels like an elephant sit on ur chest

I choose from the first time to let him knocking at my door and messing around with my heart

and the worst I cant express how I feel inside

all I want to do now is screaming on his face and asked ..

Who am I to you ??

is it another KARMA for me? how come ? Do I hurt sum1 before ?

My nothing happen MODE ON #NOW ... and guess what it reflect back at me!!!

not normal

I'm in the ABNORMAL mode right now... 

between the craziness and my sense.. I turn out into sum1 else I don't even recognize ..

is this my another personality .. who knows? and no one ever knows.. 

even I'm in the abnormal mode right I feel something tingle inside.. and kinda love this feeling.. should I change like this forever??

sum1 said.. is much easier to be sum1 else than be yourself right ??

CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW

I'm one of the people who had problem with  LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.. 

I had lots of problem with TRUST .. I've been in the moment of LDR .. and I failed .
I failed to make it works , not just ones but two times ..

I always start in a bad way.. and ends it in a bad way too
I know LDR is never easy ... all I can do is whining how things not gonna work.. while I know it takes from the two side to made everything works.. but my small problem is I never put an effort to make it worked
('they said)

I always thought how things gonna be difficult between us.. the sacrifice .. that's why I never started a good RELATIONSHIP.. cos it's always ends up to be a RELATIONSHIT........

I've skip LDR Long time ago and don't have any intention to start over again.. but....

I don't what strike me.. I like him too much to let him passed me ..

I start to ignore the feeling not to see him in daily base ..I don't care bout the time when I need him the most but he's not gonna be here to hold my hand or simply just give a little hug ... I don't care bout how I'm gonna be wondering what the hell he doin behind my back .. I just DON'T CARE ...

I Start to open up .. he easily comes ,, knocking on my heart , go inside and start messing around..

I want him in my life LIKE #NOW .. TODAY  and I hope to be his TOMORROW ..

after two years waiting "he said"
finally we're about to meet tomorrow ..the long 3 hours flight ....
he'll pick me up in the airport .. *butterflyeffect on my stomach 

I just feel so happy and can't wait till tomorrow .. 

Define a friend for me ???

FRIENDS...

how u define that words? lots of word can describe the meaning..

based on dictionary friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard , a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.
A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.
A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.
A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.
A friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.

the Question now is

DO I HAVE REAL FRIENDS??

who stood by my side... my back ... front of me ...

I do have a friend

but simply all I want that comes from a person who I called friends is :

early conversation I had this morning with

si pantat ..

He told me to be happy AGAIN this morning , while the fact there's a distance between our happines

trying not to be sensitive or sentimental girl but I do #wishforamiracle and everything is different from the real fact happening to us here.


U told me to be happy when I know distance is killing us

U told me to be happy when morning calls or godnite kiss is all I can have from U

U told me to be happy when received ur text or ur offline msg saying u missing me

U told me to be happy when there's no more weekend flight or late nite dine

U told me to be happy when I don't have any chance to feel your warm hug or ur hand hold anymore

U told me to be happy when " we still can be close friend " is comes from U ?

U told me to be happy when we're on the edge line

U told me to be happy when u said ur devoted to ur fucking tradition

U told me to be happy when I know u r busy with other stuff call " duty " or in polite way to said is
" arrangement marriage " *proven there's no such thing love is blind

and still .............

U told me to be happy without U .. ?

I know u qoute this from sum1 else for me ...

And in the end between yesterday mistake and tommorow hopes u said there's a fantastic opportunity called TODAY ...

while I'm expecting to be " UR TOMMOROW "

― Anthony Robbins SAID :

“Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.”

that's I'm about to do ,,, just like I used to do before ur present here in my live..

*excuse me for this corny post.. just wish u change ur mind and read what's written in my mind.

*notes to THE ALMIGHTY GOD

ONLY GOD KNOW HOW TO MEND THIS BROKEN HEARTS ..

Once more GOD is being nice to my family ... he gave my family a big strenght to through all the pain and suffering for what just happen.

*Tuhan ga akan kasih cobaan melampaui kekuatan umatnya..
*Cobaan .. musibah ... diambil aja hikmahnya
*Kita lagi diuji.. anggap aja rejeki mau naik
*Ini tanda ... iman kita lagi diuji.. sampai mana kita mampu ngelewatin cobaan.
*Ditipu , dirampok , dibohongin ..harta habis .. ini cobaan belum seberapa.

those line comes from my family .. kalimat kalimat positif keluar untuk menghibur diri sendiri dan keluarga lainnya ... harta hilang itu ga seberapa , allah lagi sayang sama kita makanya dikasih teguran biar lebih meminta pada-NYA..

Tuhaan

I know you are busy with other people sorrow I know there's a lot people out there in pain more than we fell #NOW ... I know what we're doing is wrong it's againts your will and we

REGRET

it ...

but could you please gave us a pain killer to swept away the hurt inside please...

Travelling is my passion

baru nemu tagline ene setelah baca postingan si gembel

nee link nya ..

http://whateverbackpacker.blogspot.com/2012/02/mengatur-budget-saat-backpacking.html

jadi mikir keras... *secara otakku rada ringan kerjax belakangan ini

kalo sebenarnya saudara saudari setanah air ...jadi backpacker itu yg penting bukan uang... money..... A.K.A

DUIT

tapi semerta merta adalah ............

"KEBERANIAN"

BERANI LAPAR DI NEGRI ORANG *makan mi instan di taman kota
BERANI TIDUR DI MESJID /AIRPORT DI NEGRI ORANG *ga masalah secara airport is one of my favo place on earth
BERANI MINTA IJIN NUMPANG KENDARAAN DI NEGRI ORANG *singkap paha ..hehehe
BERANI MALU ASKING ADVISE *ga sok jago ngerti jalan modal map turis

last but not least BERANI NGAKU KLO "GW LOW COST BUDGET TRAVELLER" ....... *mewekliatslipsalary


abis baca blog traveller ini bikin passion ku kembali membuncah setelah memutuskan dengan berat hati di awal tahun klo tahun ini ga akan ada rutinitas

"pipis di toilet umum negara/kota lain"

trace back resolusi tahun 2012 ... holidei ala ala backpackers ga ada di list *semua gegara si splah yg cantik ini....

mimpi bisa keliling bareng kamu kayakx tinggal mimpi...

internet browsing history sudah mulai penuh dengan website yg menyajikan kata2 penyejuk hati ini..
*cheap flight fare and things to do at....

Demi dewa zeus... tahun depan saya berjanji
" untuk hapus list holidei ala ala backpakers dari resolusi awal tahun "
tapi untuk tahun ini wahai dewa zeus ijinkan passport saya makin rame dengan chop warna warni dari mas2 dan mba2 imigrasi itu yaah !!!
*saya rela disenyumin masam atau di tanya dengan bahasa inggris mereka yg super lancar kek niagara waterfals atau bahkan rela digrepe dari atas sampe bawah pas imigrasi check ...sumpah saya rela.

amazing thailand here I come... #salimdewazeus

traceback

*RE-POST
my unfinished word on first day of january

got an email notification that sum1 following my blog .. *jiwax rada error kurasa mw baca kotoran otakku nee.

gee that's weird .. I almost forget bout this site & re-open it and turn out I keep some old stories here..

days , months & years passed . I'm still the old me but different lame stories

U missed some moment in my life

re-run ...

-the break up after the "almost marriage day" ( kata nene klo ga jodoh ya mau apa)



-the move on after the break up

-meet new guy ( not Mr Right yet.. still Mr Right Now )

-loose one of my bestfriend ( thanks to miss drama queen he called "girlfriend")

kebukti klo ternyata teori friendship is long lasting relation or bestfriend forever is WRONG.

-got new nephew ( damn adorable just like her auntie) #tunjukdirisendiri *siapsiapditimpuktelor




-holiday recap 2011

#finally reach paradise city known as bali ( *fall for this place ) banyak om bule betebaran cyiint #hornyallthetime










#JAKARDAA-BANDUNG

>< ceritanya ala ala ANTM-american next top model *haiyaaa

#KL
*MENGGILAA BERSAMA KAWAN KAWAN-- MAY 2011







*MEMBAWA MISI PERDAMAIAN WITH UDHE--NOV 2011

<><><> it's two of my favorite place on earth<><><>

and lots of thing happen... GOOD AND BAD

if I don't stop writing right now i'll uploading hundreds pic..

NONEEDNEWSCAR

akhir akhir ini setelah sekian lama tidak berinteraksi dengannya dan tidak melakukan

"un relationship relation what so ever itu "

dia muncul lagi di kehidupanku dan balik menjadi sum1 I used to know and i cared about.


kek mutar kaset pilem usang yg isi ceritanya dan pemainnya saya cuma sekarang ada tambahan peran antagonisnya "tapi kali ini aku jadi nenek sihirnya"


eh... bukan ding aku penjahat ala ala miss "doing anything for fun"
( ga bisa mikir karakter yg pas )

seharusnya rasax ga kaya gini .. dan harusnya ga juga menjalin silaturahmi kembali

*diapikirsetiapharilebaran!!


setelah beberapa malam chat tanpa ada "MAKSUD" dan cuma sekedar nanya kabar akhirnya berubah jadi rutinitas..

Lately I hate my daily routines but deep down inside I missed this ones.


Remmember how all late nite chat , morning calls or a gud nite kiss
*ambilpenghapusmemori

TUHAN ....
How I wish now to be born in other side of this live ..


I don't need "HIM" in my live anymore


The scars already heal


I don't need another wound

#make a wish

kinda blur feeling but I really on damn bored mood right now..
hate this feeling but all I wish right now is ....

I'm on the other side part of the world 

live in other place ..new world new people new live... is not i'm don't want this side of this world but how I wish I can move on ...
but one thing for sure ..
I DO miss this moment ... hopes found them again in the other side of new world
crazy with the gals

 fun playing with my two favorite sista

 felt the winter 

 china town view

 adventurous with them

 fly to the moon

 and hang out with some good friends